The Power of Friendship in Marriage
When couples come into my office, they often say they want to work on communication, rebuild trust, or get the spark back. Those things matter, but underneath them all, there’s usually something deeper that needs attention: friendship.
Drs. John and Julie Gottman, who’ve spent decades studying what makes relationships work, describe friendship as the foundation of a healthy marriage. It’s what helps couples stay connected, even when life feels busy or stressful.
In the Gottman approach, friendship means knowing your partner’s inner world, including their hopes, fears, memories, and dreams. It’s being interested in who they are and turning toward them in everyday moments, not just the big ones.
What Friendship Looks Like in a Marriage
Staying curious about each other’s lives, even after years together
Expressing appreciation and affection regularly
Responding to small bids for connection (a comment, a sigh, a touch)
Choosing kindness, even when you’re frustrated
When friendship is strong, couples have a softer place to land during conflict. They argue differently—with more respect and less defensiveness—because underneath the stress, there’s trust and goodwill.
A Few Ways to Strengthen Friendship
Ask your partner about something small that matters to them today
Look for moments to say “thank you” or “I appreciate you”
Spend time together doing something simple that feels good for both of you
Keep learning who your partner is, even after years of being together
As the Gottmans say, “Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.”
